Fear of Flying? or… Fearless Flyer?

I don’t like to fly.

Everyone knows someone, or maybe you’re one of them, that LOVES to get on a plane and go. It doesn’t matter where, they just love to fly.

Nope ……. Not me.

Frankly, I’m terrified of flying. However, I will get on a plane occasionally but only if I really have to. I’m not a newbie by any means as I’ve flown to California soooo many times, Florida several times, Vegas twice, England and Ireland. I do it, I just hate it!

I was 16 when I took my first plane trip. I flew to California to spend a couple of weeks with my brother, Casey.

My brother, Casey’s, house in San Fransisco. You might recognize his house as the house featured in the block buster movie, “Ant Man.”

I was very excited for my first plane trip. I had a window seat so I could see everything, including the take off and landing. I wanted to get a good look at the Rocky Mountains from the sky. I just knew it was going to be the most exhilarating experience of my life and I didn’t want to miss any of it!

My eyes gazed intently out the little window as the other passengers continued to board the plane and stash their totes and briefcases. I barely noticed the man that sat next to me but as the plane took off, he quickly became instrumental in my survival of that flight.

Well ……… more likely, he was instrumental in his own survival of that plane flight because I was about to unleash my breakfast and possibly everything I had to eat the day before. He was in a suit and I’m guessing he probably had a meeting to attend after that flight.

Evidently, he noticed my distress and promptly told me to recline my seat and rest my head back. He turned the air on to blow directly in my face and handed me the cute little bag from the pocket of the seat in front of me (ie: the barf bag).

Those bags are still tucked away in the back pocket of each and every seat …….. I know this because I was just on a plane a couple of weeks ago and I looked for it because, I thought I might need it. I haven’t been on a plane since before COVID but, I volunteered, (I know ….. the things you do for your children), to fly to DC and drive back with my daughter so I could help with her boys during the car ride.

My visit to Alexandria, Virginia to help with the boys was sooooo worth the plane ride. Getting to play with Archie (3), hold, feed and play with Theo (7 mo), made for quite a lively weekend.

Yep, 45 years later and my reaction to plane flights are still the same. Ugh.

In my 61 years on this earth, I have never understood how, why, or when my fear of planes took ahold of me, until just recently ……. I think.

Here’s the thing ……. This visceral reaction I have to flying wouldn’t be such a horrible thing if I didn’t want to travel but I have always wanted to travel and not just by car. Cars and trains will only get you so far. Planes are a must if you want to go to other countries, which I do. And, earlier this year, Poo and I decided it was time to take a trip we have been contemplating for a decade now.

Note to self: If I am never to be comfortable on a plane, (which appears to be the general consensus), I must figure out how to mitigate the negative reactions it has on my mind and body while in flight.

We plan to walk “The Camino de Santiago” next year. Sometimes it is referred to as “The Way of Saint James” and is a pilgrimage to the Cathedral of Santiago de Compostela in Galicia, Spain. There are many routes you can walk from different starting points. Our plans could change but our initial desire is to start in Irun or St. Jean Pied de Port and hike across Spain, sleeping in Albergues every night. We will allow 5-6 weeks for travel and the hiking.

Soooooo ………. Ya, flying to Europe could be a problem for me.

Soon after we had decided to take this trip, I talked with my therapist about this wretched fear, or is it “retched” fear? (Do I have a fear of flying? Or do I have a fear of vomiting? Maybe both!). Her response was that of a question.

She asked, “Do you have any trauma in your past, or when you were younger, that was related to flying?”

My response was quick. “No, other than my first plane flight I just described.” There was nothing.

Or, so I thought.

Poo and I waiting for our flight to Daytona, at the Indianapolis Airport, with our friends: Cathy, Linda, Bill and Marcia. St. Augustine was beautiful.

Do you ever wake up in the middle of the night, or a bit too early in the morning and just can’t go back to sleep? This happens a lot to me. My mind starts racing a thousand miles a minute, thinking about everything from the past to the future.

Sometimes I can settle my mind with prayer, meditation, counting backwards from 100, counting backwards from 200 in 3’s. Ohhhh, I have more tricks I use, these examples are just a sampling.

I know ……… it can be exhausting but, ironically, not enough to put me back to sleep!

Just recently however, one of these early morning romps with my past netted me a bit more clarification about this fear that plagues me. I don’t know if I would have ever put the connection together if my therapist hadn’t asked that question several weeks ago.

( Yes, it takes me longer than the average bear to put 2 and 2 together 😉)

We were in The Ozarks last week, mostly hiking, on vacation when I woke around 5 am and could not go back to sleep because of this new realization.

The link, you ask?

I think I was about to enter the 7th grade, or somewhere around that time when a girlfriend of mine died in a plane crash. We had been very close friends in elementary school for several years when her family moved to a different part of town and, consequently, she had to go to a different school.

I was invited over to her new house, several times, to play and for sleep-overs but eventually we didn’t get together as much. I’m sure, as she made friends at her new school, this was why we didn’t see each other as much.

I don’t remember many of the details about the plane crash and my parents may have shielded those from me, but I do remember her father was the pilot and several of her siblings were on board as well as a young girl, my age, who was the next door neighbor.

It was all over the news, including pictures of the wreckage. I don’t remember if I actually saw the pictures but I think I must have.

I can remember exactly where I was, what time of day, when Mom entered my bedroom and told me that one of my best friends had died in that plane crash. I do remember crying off and on through the night.

My Mom asked me if I wanted her to take me to the Visitation, to which I firmly replied, “No.” I have thought about, as well as regretted, that decision so, so, so many times over the last 40 years, however, I don’t know if it would have made the circumstances better or worse.

Obviously, we all know that NOT facing our grief in real time only postpones the eventual implosion of self.

I don’t recall talking much about it again as my parents probably didn’t know how to help me with the extensive grief I must have been feeling. I was really young, 11 or 12, and I remember it was horrible!

I have thought about my friend, Jackie, often over the years, and still miss what that friendship could have been. Maybe this is, in part, why I have always found it hard to forge meaningful adult companionship with other women? I don’t know, and that’s a different conversation ……… but it couldn’t have been easy for me, and my childlike mind, to process all of that.

Of course, I can’t be 100% sure if this is the connection and I haven’t had a chance to research this theory but I don’t have another explanation as to why I have always felt such terror when I am on a plane.

I really was very excited about that first plane ride to see my brother and then, without notice, it just changed. And it has never changed back.

I can’t tell you how many times someone has informed me, with the best of intentions of course, flying is safer than traveling by car.

I know, I know, I know already! Geez.

News flash ………. Our fears are not governed by facts. Fears are not rational and more about our perception rather than reality.

Flying from Dayton to DC was such a short flight and it was the perfect amount of time for me to become reacquainted with that big bird that flies in the sky.

I did go into this trip with a plan to stay calm. I downloaded a book onto my phone so I could listen to it in airplane mode. Unfortunately, I had neatly stashed my AirPods in an easily accessible pocket of my backpack, which I securely stored in the overhead bin before I sat down. Ugh. I’m not usually absent-minded but I was obviously a bit nervous and distracted.

I swiftly came up with a back up plan, on the fly (no pun intended). I turned the air on my face, rested my head back, closed my eyes and visualized myself in my living room running through The Yang Style Tai Chi 24 Form. If you practice Tai Chi, you know it only takes 5-6 minutes to perform these moves however, it took me about 11 minutes in my head. I did have trouble focusing and had to keep bringing myself back to the awareness of the practice.

Of course I was ecstatic when we finally landed but it wasn’t as terrible as I had anticipated. Was it the Tai Chi? The therapy I have been doing for the past year? Or maybe a combination of both?

BABY STEPS ……..

“Flying might be scary but scary gives us highs that comfortable cannot. Don’t let fear keep you grounded. Get scared, it’s worth it to see that big beautiful world out there.” – www.shygirladventures.com

xoxo, Katy