*Editors Note: I listened to the entire 9 hours of the Senate Judiciary Committee Hearing on the confirmation of Brett Kavanaugh and while I am not interested in debating whether he should be confirmed, I am interested in writing about my experiences as it relates to the nature of the hearing.
Christine Blasey Ford’s testimony to the Senate Judiciary Committee struck a chord with me. Some of her remarks about her experience sounded familiar to me, so I began reading up on sexual assault and the long-term effects. I was quite surprised by what I learned.
The “Me Too” movement was long overdue.
Although the Me Too movement was founded in 2006, I’m thrilled that it has been noticed worldwide by the viral #metoo hashtag.
1 in 3 women & 1 in 6 men have been sexually assaulted or violated.
I have to wonder if those statistics are accurate. What about all the women and men out there, especially us Baby Boomers, who grew up at a different time in history, where we felt it was not safe to air our grievances or confront our attackers? What about those of us who have never admitted to anyone that we have been assaulted? What about those of us who have never called a “hotline” and therefore are not included in any published statistics?
How many people report sexual misconduct?
Like 85% of people, I never did.
Do I wish I would have reported the incidents?
YES for some, and NO for others.
Yes, you really did read that correctly …….. I have been assaulted multiple times, more times that I would like to admit. For some unknown reason, I felt like I needed to hide this information. But why have I protected these people by staying silent?
I gave them more power than they deserve!
This is where it gets really uncomfortable for me to write. My story is not for everyone to read and some will, of course, not believe me. I understand. For those of you who have never experienced an assault, it must be quite difficult to fathom the idea of being violated. I get it.
As I recall these accounts, I am just now fully realizing the extent of abuse to which I have been subjected. Statistics have shown that once assaulted, you are more likely to be assaulted again.
According to Girls Globe, “Women who were sexually abused as children have learned silence, and may be unable to enforce appropriate boundaries, given their childhood experiences. Some theorize that it is a way of attempting to master anxiety or trauma. Others suggest that women who have been assaulted early learn to associate sex with pain and trauma, and therefore are less likely to be able to distinguish between consent or coercion.”
This is my truth ……………….
The first time I was assaulted I was very young, 9 or 10 years of age. And, like Christine Blasey Ford, if I could ask my parents about that 2 week cross-country trip we took to Utah, stopping in Nebraska for a few days, I would be able to be more specific about my age and more of the details. Like Professor Ford, I am clear about the attack and where it happened but uncertain of the surrounding details.
Fortunately, the distant relative on my Dad’s side of the family was interrupted and unable to follow through with his “agenda.” I never told my parents and I don’t know why. I suspect I thought I would get in trouble for being in his room. I was very young and not even sure that I understood what was happening except that I was being held down and I was terrified. I’m sure my Mother was confused as to why I clung to her side the remainder of the time we spent at their house.
I did what many sexual assault survivors do …….. I tucked it away. It wasn’t until years later that the incident re-emerged in my consciousness. I remember the exact moment with complete awareness. I was 29 years old and pregnant with my second child. My Father had just died and it was the weekend of his funeral. 20 years later.
Neither my sister, or I, remember what we were talking about that provoked the memory but we both remember that I had a major panic attack as I recalled the attack. I am grateful that I was with her when the memory awakened as she helped me through the event but afterward, I never spoke of it again for a long time. I find it ironic that the perpetrator was a relative on my Dad’s side and the memory came back to me upon his death.
The second time I was assaulted, I was a bit older. I think I was about 12 or 13, because I remember that I’d been babysitting that night for my niece and nephew. My parents were having a party for my Aunt and Uncle, who were visiting from California. It was a gathering including family, cousins and the friends of my Aunt and Uncle. An older teenage boy, that I did not know, snuck up to my bedroom and assaulted me. I screamed and he left quickly.
The United States Department of Justice defines sexual assault as "any type of sexual contact or behavior that occurs without the explicit consent of the recipient."
Sexual assault can include the following:
- inappropriate touching
- exposing body parts
- obscene gestures
- lewd remarks
- showing graphic images
- unwelcome sexual emails, texts or phone calls
- coercion
- penalized for not cooperating
- being forced to perform oral sex on someone
- having someone force themselves on you either orally, vaginally or anally
- being drugged, unconscious or incapable of defending yourself
As hard as it is for me to disclose, the horrific truth is that all, but one, of these things have happened to me. Mostly, by the very people I trusted!
As I got older, and even after I married, the bad behavior of men I knew followed me around. They included a couple of disrespectful boyfriends, a girlfriends’ creepy father, several older male high school classmates, a college professor, a physician, a colleague, and a few more.
Aside from the first two assaults that were distant relatives, that I had never met prior to the respective incidents and never saw again, I, like Professor Ford, remember the men who assaulted me. I don’t think it’s something you forget. Washington Coalition of Sexual Assault Programs reports that, most often, the abuser is someone close to the survivor. A known person.
Because I would not comply with a professor’s advances, it was reflected in my grade. Everyday, in class, I faced hostility and a supercilious attitude from him. My fellow classmates could not understand why my grade in his class quickly declined because they always gauged their work, by comparison, to mine. I never mentioned it to any of them until much later after graduation and even then, only told a few. I considered reporting him at the time but feared greater retribution.
There is no doubt that growing up as a Boomer was a contrasting time. A different era. No one I knew spoke openly about sex. I never got “the birds and the bees” talk, unless you count the hour-long class in the sixth grade at my catholic elementary school. I certainly don’t recall ever being taught to report incidents that, back then and to some extent today, would have been discounted as “boys will be boys.”
Like Christine Blasey Ford, I have experienced the long-term effects of sexual assault. Although I feel like I have done well coping, and putting those experiences behind me, I occasionally deal with reoccurring nightmares about specific incidents, I struggle with trust issues, boundaries, and I tend to avoid certain situations or people who cause me anxiety.
I’m always assessing the safety of situations and circumstances that Poo and I encounter. I still give my children “safety” advice even though they are adults and been on their own for years. My children have always considered me overprotective.
Now ……. I realize it’s most likely, trauma related.
I’ve never considered myself claustrophobic but Like Ford, I also do not like to be confined to small areas. Among other distresses, Like Ford, I have an irrational fear of flying and when I do muster the courage, the first thing I do after I find my seat on the plane is locate the closest exit. I am in a constant state of unease throughout the flight until we land.
Last year, many of our friends invited Poo and I to an event in the Depot District where a comedian was to perform at The Fourth Floor Blues Club. I did not want to go because of the age and layout of the historical building. (I have been in that building, and on the 4th floor, to attend a graduation party. I remember being very uncomfortable at the time.) As I declined the invitation, I knew my reasons were not rational. I was fearful of being trapped on the 4th floor of that building if there was a fire.
IF ……. THERE ….. WAS …… A …… FIRE.
I did not know, at the time, that “having an exit plan” or an “alternate exit route” is a common fear of someone who’s been assaulted, just like Blasey Ford stated in her testimony.
Some Long-Term Symptoms of Sexual Assault:
- continuing anxiety
- persistent fear
- sleep disturbances
- flashbacks
- panic attacks
- phobias
- relationship difficulties
- withdrawal/isolation
- paranoia
I guess you could say that I exhibit a few classic symptoms, possibly related to a traumatic event, or events I have suffered. I have not been evaluated by a professional, but after learning some facts related to sexual assault, it might be in my future. 🙂
Now, I better understand why I sometimes avoid large family gatherings that include “extended family” and “friends of the family.” In the past I have felt guilty for not attending, but I think it prudent that I cut myself some slack after realizing the correlation. Interestingly, I don’t feel the same anxiety when it is limited to my immediate family.
There are exactly 5 men that I would trust with my life, 3 of which have been a constant throughout. They are my brothers: Steve, Casey and Dan. Will, my brother-in-law and my husband, Dave are the others. Unfortunately, after them, the gap in my circle of trust gets much smaller.
Ever since last Thursday’s senate judicial hearing, it has been extremely stressful as I try to process what I heard and what I have learned.
I am thankful these experiences are in my past and am happy to know, and understand, more about them in a way I didn’t before.
It’s actually a relief to be able to understand why I have certain fears and why I become anxious in some situations.
I also feel a great deal of gratitude towards Christine Blasey Ford, as well as those who spoke up before her as the #metoo movement was on the rise, for provoking me to search for clarity into my own life experiences.
My hope is that since I have released my pain into the universe by writing about it, somehow it will come back to me in the form of PEACE.
This is my truth …………..
” I can be changed by what happens to me, but I refuse to be reduced by it.” – Maya Angelou
xoxo, Katy