Being An “Empty Nester” Can Be Confusing.
Are you a baby boomer? If you are, most likely, you are also an empty nester.
Maybe you’re fortunate enough to have your children live close by. Or, maybe your children don’t live near you at all.
In either case, how is your relationship with them?
It was so easy when they were underfoot. I knew their every MOVE. I knew their every MOOD. If they had a great day, I knew. And if they had a horrible day, oh boy did I know!
I look back at those child rearing years with fondness and angst.
Bittersweet.
I raised two daughters. They’re 29 and 25 now, but I still think of them as my little ducklings. Although I have learned to use more restraint with them, occasionally I forget that they’re not ducklings anymore and try to corral them into walking behind me.
You have probably heard me, in earlier posts, refer to my daughters as “Big Booger” and “Lil’ Booger.” Indulge me for a moment…………
Most of us will claim to use a tissue now, but……….
Remember when you were a kid (maybe this will apply to some adults as well) and you’d get a booger on your finger? Yes, from picking your nose 🙂
Remember how you’d try to get rid of it by flicking it into the air? Or on your friend? Remember trying to wipe it on the grass? But, somehow, it remained stuck to you? You just couldn’t get rid of them!
That’s how my kids got those unfortunate nicknames. I teased them that they were like little boogers. Stuck to me. Of course they loved it, and we all thought it was funny when they were little. But, oops ……………. the nicknames stuck as well 🙂
I’ve not been blessed with grandchildren yet but, I’m thinking……….. a little retribution may be in my future. Grandma Booger?
As much as I yearn to revisit those early years again, I can’t go back. I must move forward in life and my relationship with my girls. And, they are helping me move forward.
They are very good at gently reminding me that they didn’t ask for help, advice or whatever. This is where it has taken some time for me to get used to the fact that my relationship with my daughters had to change.
Thank goodness for college and summer breaks. It was an opportunity for them to ease me into what comes next. During those short trips home they would tend to push me a bit. It seemed as though each visit was an exercise in compromise and accepting change.
As much as I loved having them home, it was almost a relief when they finally returned to school. As it turns out, the adage “What you don’t know won’t hurt you,” is really a thing.
College = Freedom. College = Mom Doesn’t Know. 🙂
Once they become emotionally and financially stable, they demand their independence. Now, we have no choice in the matter when they cut ties, as it should be ……….
In my opinion, this is when it starts to get truly fascinating, but confusing and somewhat difficult to navigate.
Bittersweet.
When I held all, or most, of the control within the household, my children where predictable. For the most part, they followed the “house rules.” When they didn’t, they got grounded. I had control.
When it became clear ………. and I mean, crystal clear ……… that I no longer had a say in any matter, that’s when my rapport with my children became super interesting. And let me be brutally honest …….. painful at times.
You move from being their primary caregiver, confidant, cheerleader and advisor to …… to ……. feeling like you’re not needed anymore. To feel needed is so instinctual and primitive, don’t you think?
Bittersweet.
Ideally, this is what all parents want for their children, right? We’ve invested an exorbitant amount time and energy into preparing them to be self-sufficient and productive human beings in our society. And now we are resentful? They don’t need our help or advise anymore? Whaaat? It’s a difficult transition to make, but a necessary one. It takes time!
My girls are the “loves of my life.” I think it would be fantastic to have them live nearer, especially when they have their own kids.
I sometimes fantasize about the things we would do together if they lived closer. There would be shopping dates, holiday celebrations, Sunday dinners and, my most coveted activity of all, baking and decorating Christmas cookies!
And as much as I, sometimes, envy the close connection some women have with their daughters, I realize that it is important to keep the relationship in perspective.
I needn’t be BFF’s with my Boogers to stay close with them throughout their lives. I am grateful that they have found their own path in life.
Bittersweet.
I think my daughters will always want me to be their Mom but, only if they need me in that capacity. At this point, I am still learning how to navigate the idea of being their friend without dishing out advice or passing judgement.
Who’s in control now? 🙂
Although my relationship with them is different, and somewhat perplexing, it is part of the circle of life. If I’ve done my job as their parent, I know that this is the way life is supposed to unfold.
In reality, it’s a bond that is evolving. Change is inevitable. As it should be ………
All three of us are learning how to maneuver within the complexity of our triangle.
Bittersweet.
“Growth is painful. Change is painful. But, nothing is as painful as staying stuck where you do not belong.” – N. R. Narayana Murthy
xoxo, Katy